Just This Once
by SingSongMikey
Summary: It itched. It itched more and more. It's been so long since the last time... "Oi Luffy, what the hell!" "Luffy!" Warning: self harm


It itched. It itched more and more. It's been too long since the last time. He had to give it to himself, he's trained himself well these past two years. It's been hard without Ace, especially hard since... he died. It made him spiral out of control. He lost his anchor, the only thing keeping him grounded, and finding a new anchor was out of the question. Nothing could fill the painful hole in his heart.

Thankfully, his path to self-destruction was put on hold on Rusukaina, while he trained with Rayleigh. The guy kept an eye on him at practically every moment of every day, and night. Up until he left, six months before the two years were up.

In that year and a half he worked on himself not only externally, but internally, thinking of his nakama every time the itch returned. But internal battles are the hardest to win, especially when you're left alone with only your damaged mind as company.

The internal training wasn't completely in wain, and once Rayleigh left Luffy fought with himself to stay strong, telling himself being alone doesn't change a thing, that he can and will do it on his own. After all, he wasn't lonely, he had his memories, of his nakama, his brothers, Dadan and the bandits, Shanks. He would not fall victim to his own damaged mind.

There were only three months left until the Straw Hats were to be reunited, and Luffy was getting restless. Telling himself, convincing, that he wasn't lonely, that he would have his nakama by his side sooner than he could say One Piece. That he will be happy and the itch will be gone and they will go on adventures together. But the darkness in his mind spread like an infection, and soon he found himself saying "Just this once".

You could say Luffy blanked out, lost track, got carried away, but it wouldn't change the fact that no, he didn't. He was aware of what he was doing, how far he was going and of the amount of blood that soaked the ground beneath him. But the sweet relief of getting rid of the pesky itch was so satisfying, so incredibly fulfilling, that he couldn't help but let out a little laugh.

What Luffy forgot, after such a long time, was that with this kind of satisfaction came something not so satisfying. With self harm came shame, disgust, and fear. Shame at the weakness the many fresh cuts and long ago healed scars on his thighs portrayed. Disgust at the lack of self control. And fear of his nakama. Fear of them finding out. Fear of them deciding that he was too weak for them to follow, and too messed up to call their friend, let alone their family.

So this time, instead of his willpower, it was the fear that kept him from giving in to the itch, and by the time the two years were up the cuts had healed and left behind scars, some thin and some thicker.

Now, sitting on Sunny's figurehead, it itched. It itched more and more. It's been too long since the last time. Luffy took his hat off his head and slowly and carefully reached behind the red band. His fingers met the cold metal surface of the blade. He didnt hesitate long, thinking 'just this once' and slowly pulled the piece of metal out, putting his straw hat back on his head. How would Shanks feel, knowing what Luffy was using the hat for? Would he be angry, ashamed, disappointed? Those were the questions that usually went through Luffy's head, but he couldn't bring himself to get rid of the blade. It would be so easy, just loosen the grip on the blade and let it fall into the sea, along with all the blood he spilled and the pain he brought on himself.

But he couldn't bring himself to do it. Was it cowardice that stopped him, or was he just so messed up that he actually liked it? It could be both, but at that moment it didn't matter. What mattered was getting rid of the itch. And so he did, just this once.

Rolling up his shorts he cast a look at his scarred skin. Maybe Chopper had a magic cream that could make them all disappear, but asking him was out of the question. And truthfully, though it may sound sick, he actually kind of liked the way they looked. The unintentional patterns he made over the years making the scars look like some sort of map. The child in him couldn't help but think how it would be a weird way to make a map.

Slowly at first, he brought the blade down to his skin and glided it downward, making the first cut. He waited for the blood to come to the surface and start trickling down his thigh before throwing all self control out and letting go.

Luffy didn't know how much time had passed, only that by the time the itch was gone his thighs were cut up all the way to the knees, much lower than ever before. His eyes widened as he saw the amount of blood that cowered the lion head, and he quickly stood up, letting his shorts fall back and soak up the blood that kept spilling out. He loosened his grip on the blade and let it fall into the blood and slowly slip into the water. He turned around, hands shaking and tears filling up his eyes making everything look blurry. He found his way off the figure head through the blurryness and jumped off, drops of blood following his every step. Looking around, he realised that there was no one on the deck, and vaguely remembered Sanji calling everyone in for dinner right before he snapped out of his daze.

Slowly and shakily he made his way to the kitchen where Zoro and Sanji could be heard arguing over something or the other. He let out a shaky breath and pushed open the door. The scent of Sanji's food would have made his mouth water, had it not been for the snot that formed in his nose along with the still unspilled tears in his eyes.

"Hey, everyone." he said, trying to sound confident, but failing as his voice shook uncontrollably.

"About time you showed up Luffy, we were getting impa- Luffy?!" as Nami turned her head towards the captain her glass fell from her hand and shattered on the floor, her hands flying up to cover her mouth in horror.

"What the hell is going... Oi, Luffy, what the hell?!" was all Sanji could say as he took in the picture in front of him.

There was a long silence as the information settled in, and in that silence Luffy got the courage to lift his head up. Closing his eyes, letting the tears finally fall, he mustered a trembling smile.

"Sorry, everyone. I guess I got carried away." and he laughed weakily.

Then, as the shock passed, everyone sprung up from their seats.

"Aaaah, Luffy is bleeding, someone call the doctor!"

"Chopper you are the doctor!"

"Where's the enemy? Who did this to you?!"

"I can't believe what my eyes are seeing! Though, I have no eyes to see with. Yohohohoho!"

"Brook, this is so not the time for skull jokes!"

"Bro, this is so not super!"

Luffy could only stand there, one hand slightly leaning on the door frame for support, the weight of the situation setting in. Then the realisation hit. What had he done?

As Zoro ran to him, scooped him up and hurried him to the infirmary on Chopper's orders, all he could do was stare blankly in front of him.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. What have you done? How could you be so messed up? How could you bring this on your crew mates? This was your burden to carry, you brought this on yourself! Why did you drag them into this?

And with the bullying from his own mind being too much for the damaged young captain, he broke down. Tears spilled uncontrollably, loud cries left his trembling lips and his strong hands gripped Zoro's shirt as he curled up and smeared blood all over the white sheets and the swordsman. Outside the infirmary the others could only stand and listen, Usopp and Nami shaking in fear for their beloved captain.

Inside the infirmary, Chopper switched to heavy point and approached Luffy and Zoro.

"Luffy, I need you to let go of Zoro so I can inspect the injury. Can you do that for me?"

After a while without a response from Luffy, Zoro nodded to Chopper and slowly pushed Luffy down on the bed. As Luffy realised nothing was covering his shameful face any longer, he brought his arms up and covered his face with his forearms.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." was all he could think of saying as Zoro helped Chopper take off the blood soaked shorts. Upon seeing the amount of damage, all they could do was gawk.

"Luffy... what did you do?"

The words left Zoro's mouth before he could think, which only made Luffy raise his voice.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" But no explanation, nothing else left the captain's mouth.

"Hey, hey, it's okay Luffy. It's okay, you're gonna be okay." Zoro repeated over and over, trying to soothe his friend as Chopper worked on cleaning and bandaging the cuts.

Even though the straw hat wearing boy was the strongest one of the crew, he was still a teenager, and he never looked younger to Zoro than at that very moment. This whole situation served as a reminder to the crew that their captain wasn't as invincible as some of them saw him. And given that they all came across strong and intimidating people almost every day on the Grand Line, never had it crossed their minds that their beloved Luffy could fall victim to his own mind.

As Luffy's pained cries died down and he fell asleep, they left him to rest in the infirmary as they gathered on the lawn deck. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, Sanji spoke up.

"So... does anyone have any idea what the hell just happened to our captain?"

"He just... walked in all bloody? Where did it come from?"

"His thighs were covered in cuts, Usopp. They looked self inflicted..." added Chopper on the verge of tears.

"Maybe he's suicidal."

"Don't say that so lightly, Robin!"

"Yeah, nee-chan, that's so not super!"

"I feel like I could have a heart attack. Though I don't even have a heart!"

Not having anything to add to the conversation, Zoro's eyes wandered around the deck. He spotted a few blotches of something and went to investigate. He crouched down to inspect it better. When he realised what it was and that there was more, he started following the trail.

"Oi, marimo, what are you doing?"

Zoro ignore the cooks question and continued to the figure head. As he leaned over his eyes widened.

"Everyone, come here!"

Hearing the urgency in his voice, they all quickly made their way to the front of the ship. Upon seeing the dried blood covering the lion head even more questions sprung up. Had he really done this to himself? How long had he been doing this? Why hadn't any of them noticed?

They were so caught up in their thinking that they didn't notice the infirmary door open.

Luffy woke up with pain in both legs and difficulty breathing. It didn't take him long to remember the events that led him to where he was now. He looked around, but the room was empty. A sharp pang of fear stabbed through his chest.

Did his crew leave him? Did they see everything? Did they find out how messed up he is? Oh god, oh god, oh god, please don't let them leave!

He stumbled out of the bed, almost falling to the floor. As he staggered to the door he noticed his vision was blurry, but the panic was too strong to let him dwell on such an unimportant thing. He opened the door and walked outside. Taking a deep breath to steady himself, he looked around, looking for his crew. Upon noticing them at the front of the ship he stood straighter and started moving in their direction.

"Hey everyone, what are you doing over there?" Luffy shouted at his friends in the happiest voice he could muster.

Almost everyone jumped a little at his voice and turned to look at him. Luffy's smile faltered as he noticed their eyes, some teary, others full of worry.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

Before he could say anything else everyone was running own to him. Thinking they were going to yell at him or Nami was going to hit him, he snapped his eyes closed and waited.

But there was no pain. Only a couple of trembling armes wrapped around him and faces close to his, some crying silently, tohers loudly and messily. Feeling relief wash over him, Luffy relaxed and let himself be hugged by his crew.

After a while of teary hugging, Chopper informed them that Luffy was running a fever, having touched the boy's skin, and ordered them all to move inside. As Franky carried Luffy into the boy's quarters, the others went and gathered blankets and pillows, making a cuddle space on the floor. They all laid down around their captain, Chopper hugging his arm, Robin stroking his hair, Brook playing a nice tune on his violin. No one spoke, letting their captain choose the time and the pace at which he wanted to talk.

As Sanji came in with a tray of hot chocolate for everyone, Luffy spoke.

"I'm sorry for worrying you everyone, I got too carried away and panicked."

"Carried away with what, Luffy?" they all knew what, but wanted to hear it from him.

"I... uh... I..." he couldn't bring himself to say it, not with fresh hot tears gathering in his eyes and the painful lump in his throat that just wouldn't go away.

"It's okay Luffy, we're here for you. You just have to talk to us", said Nami in the most gentle tone they've ever heard from the girl. Which just made Luffy want to cry more. He looked around at everyone's faces and broke down again, covering his face with his arms.

"I'm so sorry! I'm so messed up! I thought... I thought I- I had it under control, I really did... But the itch was so bad, it just- it just wouldn't go away! And it's so, so hard to- to fight it!" he hiccuped his way through the sentences.

"Luffy... how long have you been, you know... harming yourself?" asked Usopp, not certain if he should have spoken in the first place.

"Heh, you're not going to like the answer to that one" Luffy laughed slightly, which made everyone even more worried.

"I've been cutting since I was twelve."

A few gasped, others chocked on their hot chocolate. Seven years?

"But Luffy... why?" was the only thing that could leave Sanji's mouth.

"Well, the thing is, I can't even remember the reason I started doing it. Could be Sabo's death finally getting to me. I just, kinda continued doing it to cope with stress. Until I got addicted and couldn't control myself anymore."

They couldn't believe what they were hearing. How could somebody get addicted to something like that? How could Luffy, of all people, be addicted to cutting his own skin?

"Ace was the one who kept me grounded, who reminded me not to scratch the itch, to find a better way to deal with stuff. But when he... died... I had no anchor. Nothing to hold on to. So I replaced Ace with fear."

Fear? What did he mean by that?

"What do you mean fear, Luffy? Fear of what?"

Luffy hesitated for a moment, trying to find the courage to speak.

"Fear of... you guys leaving me. Of you finding out how messed up I am. Fear of being left alone. Because, even death is better than being alone."

A painful pang shot through their chest. They've heard their captain say that before, but never did those words carry so much weight. Probably because they never knew the reason he said it.

Luffy continued: "But today, the itch was almost unbearable. I said to myself 'just this once' and 'only a little'. But it's never just once... and it's never a little..."

With that last sentence they shot a look and Luffy's bandaged legs. They so badly wanted to see the extent of his injuries, and the scars that they were sure were left by them. And they could never hide from their caotain, as he noticed the looks and started unbandaging his legs.

"Ah Luffy, no! Don't do that!" Chopper made a move to stop him, but Luffy just picked him up and set him on Nami's lap.

"It's okay, Chopper" he whispered gently, smiling at the young reindeer.

As he removed the bandages the damaged skin tarted poking out, showing the swollen red cuts from his knee, to as far on his thigh as he could've gone with his shorts rolled up.

When he was finished removing the only thing left that was separating this part of his life from the rest of it, the tears came back, stronger than ever.

"Please... everyone... Help me!" he cried, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes to hide the pain in them. But he felt a gentle tug at his wrists and slowly lowered them, letting his eyes roam over the faces of his nakama. All of them were wearing small, gentle smiles.

"Of course, captain."

And maybe, Luffy could use his nakama, his family, as the anchor. Just this once.


End file.
